Sometimes I wish that movie was actually real. I wish that I could erase every memory of Ben from my mind the good the bad the ugly and the beautiful. I love him with every inch of my inner being. But it just seems to be getting harder. I can only talk to him on the phone at most 2 times a day but at the same time I can't afford that hell I can't afford once a day. You get to talk to your boyfriend 1 time a day for 5 minutes for 5 dollars. I wish the world didn't exist sometimes. I am hurting so much and no one I mean no one can help me. I don't want to be without him and I don't know if I can be with him...waiting this long to be with someone...14 months when I only get to see them once a month. 14 times in the whole time he's in there. My heart is breaking-I am breaking. I thought I was over this part already the depression. The heart ache. That I was going to make something of myself. That I would keep my head high and no one can look down on me. But then I can't be that person always. I am hurting inside so much. Most people would say to move on he's a felon not worth it anyways...do you not understand though he makes me feel as though I am worth a million dollars when all I maybe is just worth a dollar.

I need to think...I have had a great summer with Ben. I never thought I would be "that girl" though that gets so wrapped up in a boy she loses herself. I mean the girl that loses not only herself but the friends that were there for the long-haul. I have pushed so many away. And now I am here trying to clinge on for dear life to those I have left. I want to say if I have hurt anyone in the past year I am terribly sorry. That I have not been the person I was in high school...she doesn't seem to exist anymore. But that I do want to mend friendships that have been broken this past year. I am the girl who says things and doesn't think twice about the people it will hurt. And that is just one of my many faults. I do however love Ben dearly and am so happy I have him in my life now. I needed someone like him for a while to hold onto when the times got rough. And to turn to when I thought I had no one. He is unlike anyone I know. He brings me joy and that's all I can ask for. This year has been rough to say the least. But at the same time I wouldn't change a thing for it has helped me mature into a better person. I am still confused as ever as to what I want to become and to where I want to do it. I am going to AB-tech in the fall to do something with a 2-year degree so I can start making money fast. In a way I would like to have a family soon but I know as a person I still have a lot of growing up to do. But that doesn't make me love Ben any less it actually makes me love him more because I feel like we can grow as a couple as I do the growing up too.

For the past 9 months of my life I have been certain of only 1 thing. That I have feelings for Ben unlike any other guy. And since about 3 yesterday I feel like I could be happy with him even if it meant forever. I don't even know how to explain it. Today I have felt like part of me is missing like I couldn't ever replace this feeling with anything. I love Ben more than any boy in my life ever. I love Ben more than the things I used to love. If I am with Ben nothing matters. It is like we are the only two people in the world and it doesn't matter what happens. He told me yesterday that he felt like if he could be with me then he doesn't need video games. We are continuously talking about our future. We talk about what we could be like in 6 months. About going to the beach. I don't think I am ready to settle down just yet...but then I think how awesome it would be. It is silly I know. I am 18 and have a whole life ahead of me but...It is just something to think about. I love him dearly.

So the past month of my life has absolutely been the best. I have never fallen harder for anyone and it isn't like he isn't in love with me either. He tells me such sweet things and I actually believe him when he says it. He told me last night that I was the piece of his life he was missing and that I complete him...yeah Jerry Maguire but I will take it. hahaha. I am completely in love with him. The other day my dad pissed me off and he was with me and I almost cried but he stayed by my side to make sure I was okay he kept trying to hold me and kiss me. I have never had a guy feel this way about me. I mean I don't think I am anything special but he makes me feel like I am everything to him. I know he would do anything to make me smile and has before. I am just so scared that he goes to court on Thursday what the outcome will be. Because I don't think I can handle him going back to jail. I talk to him so many times a day and I see him like 4 times a week. I absolutely love his friends and their family. They are some of the best people. It just feels so good. I can't even explain it. We talk about things that I don't talk to anyone else about. And he brings out a different side in me...not like sexually but like just the kind of person that I hide from most people the say anything and not worry person. With him I could say anything at any moment and know that he still cares about me. I absolutely love him.

So Ben finally asked me to be his girlfriend on Friday. Of course I said yes. I have missed him a lot. I care so much about him. We hung out on Saturday with his mom it was actually really nice. He cares so freaking much about me. It is insane if going to jail makes a guy turn out like this then...dang. He did literally a 180. He has treated me better than any guy ever. I hung out with him again yesterday morning before I went to work. He and I were sitting at this gas station and he told me he was in love with me. I would usually be totally creeped out if a guy told me like 3 days after dating me that he loved me but we have been talking for like since September. So yeah he cares about me a lot. I am scared to death of love I don't want to say it that much even if I do feel it. He wants to meet my dad I don't really know how good of an idea that is... Anywho so I ended up going out with Lance last night too. I feel horrible I mean nothing at all went on...but I think Lance thinks of me more than a friend. He bought my dinner and came over to my house. If I wasn't Ben's girlfriend then I would probably have made a move but my conscience is already killing me thinking that I didn't tell Ben about him. Gah I almost started crying when I was with Ben yesterday...he is finally being so good and now I am messing up. I just feel bad.

So I gotta figure out about Summer I think on M-W I am going to take a class in the morning then T-Th I am going to work for the YMCA and then F-S-Sunday I would have off. Sounds like a good idea I think and maybe on M-W I can work at Victoria Secrets or something. I need to decide about WCU. I told Ben last night I didn't know if I wanted to go to WCU. He asked why...truthfully he is a major reason I don't want to go. I am so scared I am stuck on him. I am scared to death I am falling for someone who can't catch me. I want to figure out so much!!!!! I gotta figure out so much!

How sad is it to know...that the only time I am happy is when I am drinking. That every single morning I get up is an accomplishment because I don't want to so bad. I miss him with all my fucking heart. I miss everything about him the good and the bad. I know I can have other guys I know I will have other guys. But I don't see it happening anytime soon. I miss him I want him to be with me. I blame myself a lot anymore that I should have been with him to tell him I would rather make out. To tell him he was doing the wrong thing. Not to be with Dennis. He wouldn't have been with Dennis with me in the car. He wouldn't have done it. He would be out of jail and he would be hanging out with me tonight. Be going downtown with Michael and I. He would be fine still. We would be together. I would be his girlfriend and everything would be the way it was. I wish I had a time machine to go back in time and stop him. I wish mom could understand me still wanting to be with him and her not be so motherly. I wish I was a bad girl and did what I wanted and fucked all the rest. But I am not I do what I am supposed to and no more. I think about it a lot just to fuck everything in my life and move to Cali. to move out of Candler. I get out of here and start over. I may one day..who knows maybe tomorrow.

I think after Monday night I better be done with Ben. I mean he is okay and I care about him deeply but...seeing him at the mall with two girls not calling me all week. I hung out with him Monday after I got my hair done these girls were sluts..I am totally jealous by the way. But stuff went down when we hung out and I just don't think I am the type of person that should do the stuff again. I am too good for that. Plus he has pissed me off numerous times this week. I want him but I can't keep doing this to myself anymore. I am a FUCKING BOOTYCALL! I never thought I was...but he calls I am there. WTF?!?! I am too good for that..and him anyways. I am going to WCU anyways in the fall and going to meet a thousand good people and not worry about him anymore. Because while he is still living in Saluda with his mom I will be in Cullowhee with my friends having the time of my life. Not to mention...Lance and I have started talking again. He thinks I am with Ben so he is all jealous but I haven't told him what went on yet. So..he is kinda talking to this girl but he asked me if I was jealous and I told him uh no..which I am in a way. Then tonight he appologized for not calling me yesterday. Okay I have gone from a guy who won't call ever..ever..ever and never appologizes for anything to a guy who calls and appologizes when he doesn't call me. I like the second one. I miss Lance I do. I gotta figure me out though. I am going to start back with church and start going to the gym more! I am excited! I love life.

I am an idiot. I can't get him off of my mind. I want to be with Ben so bad. But I know I deserve more than him not calling me back and him going out and partying rather than being with me. I went out with this guy last night he was nice but I don't know I just decided Tuesday I couldn't handle being done like I was again. And then I go out last night I need some time to adjust. I can't be going out on dates that soon. I told Ben I loved him...I don't know what I feel for him. I deleted his number from my phone, from facebook, all the messages he ever sent and texts that I saved I erased. I felt free yesterday but now I just feel down. I want to be with him. The way he makes me feel when I am with him is like nothing I have felt before. But those feelings can't make me keep coming back to him. I wrote him a facebook message last night I don't think it will hit him like it hit me but I told him he can call me cause I am through with calling him. AS much as I want to pick up the phone and call him I won't I can't I gotta find pride I gotta find respect for myself.

So before I got my wisdom teeth taken out on Friday I found out I was accepted to WCU. Totally what I want and need. But then I wasn't worried about my wisdom teeth I was worried about mine and Ben's relationship. How is it barely working while we are only 45 minutes apart. I haven't seen him since Tuesday and I haven't talked to him since last night. How is it like this when we are only 45 minutes apart when I go to WCU I will be 1 hour and 30 minutes from him. It won't work. I don't see us being together past the summer. He talks about marriage I am only 18 and I do love him dearly but I am not ready for marriage. I have a whole life ahead of me. I am getting out of Candler. I want to make something of myself. I am so scared to be without him. I am terrified about life without calling him, having him to hold me. But I know there are other guys out there. I need to meet more people before I decide that he is in fact the one. I don't even believe in soul mates but I believe that we have been through is so close. I have never felt this strongly about any boy in my life. But even though I feel this way I still believe that we may have to break up.

So I got another speeding ticket. Damn. Coming home from dad's on Easter. Major Suckage! I will live I just gotta go on May 21st to the Henderson County Court House. Ewwww. I gotta start paying attention. However...Saturday was pretty much amazing. I went out with Ben. I am always pissed at him when we first hang out anymore because of him being late. But he made up for it. We met at Taco Bell and him and Wes ate. I of course just had water. Then we took my car all the way to Saluda. It was pretty much just simple as always but he is just...IDK. Haha we hold hands in the car and kissed at red lights. So freaking Cheesy. But def. cute. We dropped Wes off and decided to go back to Asheville. I don't know he has me. And I am pretty sure I have him too now. He told me he missed my kisses so much. That is seriously one of the sweetest things he has ever said to me. I care about him so much. He called me today and wants to hang out. I didn't get a chance to say no...suckage. I am going to a concert tonight. I feel kinda bad but he is going to call me once he gets home so maybe I will just tell him after the concert we can maybe hang out. I am happy with him.